Thursday, August 24, 2006


It just dawned on me that I missed my first "journalversary" on August 4th. Last year at this time I was sweating Steven starting kindergarten. This year has flown by.
Unlike last year I am so ready for school to start. The boys are at each others throats constantly. I can't blame them though, they've been each others playmate all summer long. Steven isn't overly excited about school, but I am real pleased with whom his teacher will be and I think school will be a more pleasant experience for him. I'm also excited for Dean to start making his own friends instead of through Steven. All in all I think it will be a good school year. Look at me! I'm thinking so positively!
Work has been the shits lately. I still love what I'm doing, but I'm loathing the bullshit that goes with employees. The kitchen manager has been there for several years and has recently been having problems with her hip. She is in the process of doctoring to figure out what the hell is going on. In the meantime, the other cooks are like vultures circling in for the kill. Just on Wednesday I heard that one cook thinks it will be her that gets the manager's position and I also heard that the new male cook announced he is the new manager. Christ she hasn't even gotten word from her mri or has hinted she is quitting. I'm afraid that the Big Boss has offered the job to the male cook trying to cover his bases. I don't blame him looking ahead, but this male cook will put the restaurant into a spiral dive to its death. The other part of the male cook rumor was that his wife who is a waitress has been offered my job as the motel manager. That pisses me off. Not so much that I wouldn't mind handing off that task, just that it was done behind my back. Big Boss has been out of town since I heard the rumor and should be back tomorrow. As soon as I get him cornered I'll definitely be asking him a few questions.
Okay I'm off to watch the news and hit the hay. Later.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

School Dazed

Can you believe its time for the kids to be going to school already? Where the hell did summer go? Steven guilted the hell out of me this afternoon when he commented, "Mom, you & I need to play a video game or something together cause we need some quality time together." He is 6 yrs old, when did 6 year olds start making statements like this? We didn't play video games, but did read a couple of books together. He even read a paragraph out of a book about wildcats. It still amazes me he came out of kindergarten being able to read with little help. He starts school right after Labor Day, so for the next 2 weeks I'm going to make it my goal to get out of the office in 3 hours, spend the afternoon with my boys and finish up work after dinner. I am so ungodly tired by the time evening rolls around I don't have the energy to play with the boys. Hopefully my work doesn't suffer.
The 12th was my sister's birthday so I called her on the last available phone # she gave me and left a cheery message. I haven't heard a word from her and to tell you the truth I'm not suprised. At least I'm making an effort, right?
Dean will be starting preschool this fall and he is so nervous about making friends. He keeps asking me in this little quivering boy voice, "How do you make friends Mama?" Steven has always been very social and with very little coaxing will approach other kids. Dean on the other hand is the skirt hanger, that is if I wore skirts. Anyways...I'm going through the scenario already of Dean death gripping me on his first day. I think I'll be smart and have the weekend bookkeeper work for me that day just in case I need to stay for awhile with Deanie. Who knows he may be like Steven and run off with the other kids and not even know I exist. I just hope he has a good group of kids in his class. Steven had a kid in his preschool I had to restrain myself from thumping on several times. Dean has a tender little heart as does Steven, but Dean has got Mama's fiery temper so I'll probably be the Mom getting the phone calls that Dean pounded on some kid.
Mom and Dad are going back to Arizona for sure this fall. Dad has been doing really well physically, but mentally the stroke has been harder to overcome. He is one of those typical strong tough do it yourself type guys that this sidelined him pretty hard to feel so vulnerable. He was laying pretty low for the first month after the stroke taking it easy which seemed the right thing to do considering. But none of us could accept that this would be how Dad would spend the rest of his life. It took sometime to get his blood thinner and blood pressure medications dosed just right to where he wouldn't get dizzy. During this time a wonderful wise nurse told him, "You know, we'll get your meds regulated out eventually, but at some point you are going to decide to start living and get out of the recliner and we'll have to go through all this redosing again. So why don't you start living life and lets get these meds dosed correctly now." Best thing anyone could have said to him. He's still not out and working like he used to, but he needed to slow down anyway. I hate that they are going to Arizona. My biggest fear is something will happen to either of them down there. Uggh, I can't think that way.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

No Answers.

Earlier this evening as I was highlighting a friend's hair I got a phone call that totally tripped me up. The caller was my nephew Larry. I haven't seen Larry for almost 3 yrs now since we had a little impromptu family reunion. Larry is my sister's youngest boy. I can't remember if I've ever mentioned my sister here so if I have pretend this is all new. My sister is 7 yrs older than me and I idolized her growing up. She has beautiful big blue eyes and long blonde hair which always has made me feel like the plain hazel eyed little girl in comparison. When I was 9 and Lynn was 16 Dad got promoted which prompted a move from our little town. I left the security of my friends and Lynn said goodbye to her first love. About 4 months after the move our family's life was changed with a secret my sister had been carrying. That secret she was carrying was revealed in that she was pregnant. My Dad had a pretty high profile job in law enforcement something that he had sacrificed his family for to become the best. This unexpected development was not something that made my Dad happy. Lynn was past the point that abortion was an option so she moved back to our little town and became a wife and soon to be mother. Pretty tough change for a 16 yr old girl. Dad and Lynn's relationship was pretty much destroyed and soon we were lucky if we heard from Lynn once a year. Lynn went on to have 3 kids over the next 6 years. Lynn's life as a wife was not a bed of roses, but one of mental and at times physical abuse. After I graduated high school and was attending beauty school Lynn ran from her abusive life and left her children with her husband to move in with me. For 3 yrs we lived together and got to know each other as adults instead of just siblings. During this time Lynn lived the life she didn't have the chance to being a young mother and being shrouded by her jealous, abusive husband. She wasn't making enough money to take care of her kids so they remained with their Dad. Eventually Lynn remarried a carefree, full of life guy she met at work. When her daughter reached the age of 12 she chose to live with Lynn. The boys lived shortly with Lynn later on but returned to live with their Dad. Lynn got a job doing security with a department store and climbed the ladder in the company to now where she is the district manager. Which is pretty damn good for a high school drop out. The only problem in this whole scenario is she hasn't seen either of her boys 13 yrs. She didn't see them graduate, she hasn't seen the women they chose to marry and she hasn't held their children. My parents haven't talked to her in almost 6 yrs. now. About 2 yrs ago, I tracked Lynn down and found that she had been seriously ill. She was close to death at one point and was struggling to find a cure for a condition the doctor's couldn't figure out. We talked and emailed off and on for about 4 months. During this time I updated her on her kid's lives. She claimed to want to make contact with them saying her illness had shown her that family is what really counts, not how good you are at your job. Eventually our contact lessened and before I knew it 5 months had gone by without a word from Lynn. After Dad had his stroke I tried contacting Lynn with the number and email I had used before. I have not heard a word from her. I truly don't know if she is alive or what. Now tonight I've got my 27 year old nephew searching for answers to why his Mom abandon him. As a mother myself I can't for the world give him an answer. I look at my boys and I cannot imagine a single thing they could ever do that would cause me to turn my back on them. My heart breaks for this young man who has a wife and child he so wants to share with his Mom. He is a man who will always wonder what did he do so wrong as to not have his Mom want to be in his life. I have no answers, no comfort to give and at this point all I can do is give him my love, but I don't think this will help.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Burn Baby Burn!

Five weeks ago my throat started getting scratchy and sore. Since my babysitter's daughter was being treated for strep, I figured I better get my ass into the doctor. Strep test came back negative, but since I've had sinus congestion since Dec. my doctor gave me a prescription for a 3 week run of antibiotics. A week into the antibiotics my sore throat turned into a sensation like I had food stuck in my throat. So I go back in for another check up. Well Doc can't see that far down my throat and tells me since I'm a smoker he is sending me to an ENT specialist to see if I have throat cancer. Now you would think that I would have thrown my pack of cigarettes in the garbage right then and there. I would have if I had them with me at the moment, but they were at home. By the time I got home I was majorly freaking out and wanted a smoke. Can we say addiction? For the next 6 days I planned my funeral, picked out women I thought would make a good mother and wife to fill my shoes, rocked my boys to sleep instead of just tucking them in, got angry and vowed to fight for my life, pictured how I'd hold my head up high when I lost my hair, basically I rode a rollercoaster of emotions. The appointment day comes and they spray this nasty tasting shit up my nostrils and insert a rubber looking tube up my nose and down my throat. I now "get" the point of up your nose with a rubber hose, it ain't fun people. The verdict, no sign of cancer. Thank you lord! Diagnosis is gastric acid reflux disease. I never in my life thought I had a problem with acid reflux. I don't get heart burn, hell I take tums just so I get some calcium once in a blue moon and I like the fruity flavor. The Doc told me you can have GERD and not experience heart burn. He said I'm probably having heartburn while I'm sleeping which makes me cough, wakes me enough that I roll over and go back to the ZZZ's and repeat through the night. From the pile of pamplets from the ENT's office and reading about GERD on the internet this isn't something to take lightly. And I have all the causes of GERD..overweight, smoking, late night eating. Can we say lifestyle changes? Fuck, fuckity, fuck! Can I do this? I've cut out the late night snacks that was a no brainer. Quitting smoking...damn, "I see the bitch a comin', she's coming around the bend". Lose weight...tried off and on for 15 years and ummm still fat. So I'll have my pity party, cry my eyes out, blow some snot bubbles and make changes. I've been on Pril0sec for 4 days now and I still feel like I have a half of piece of bread stuck in my throat. In 30 days if I still have this feeling I'll have to go have an upper g.i. and chug some chalky shit down to see whats up or down or whatever. We'll see either way.

You Go Bitch!

I don't get some women. Why is it alright to make fun of and belittle someone? And then all of these other bitches pour from the cracks to join in to take there stabs. Are people that damn insecure with themselves they have to put someone else down to make themselves feel superior? I deal with 25 women at work and every damn day one of them is in my office whining because such and such is talking about me. You know what? Get a fucking backbone. Walk up to the mouthy bitch and say "You have something to say? Say it to my face right here, right now." How hard is that? You don't have to yell or get physical, just stand up for yourself.
I've been reading a certain journal for several years and have always enjoyed her, but for the past few months she has been making fun of another journaler. Oh she's quite considerate and mentions in her notify emails she is going to be trash talking so if you don't want to read..don't. How considerate! What I wonder is why she has to vent her dislike in the first place? If she doesn't like to read the gal's journal..don't. I realize that everyone claims they write in their journal for themselves, thats fine if you're really aware of yourself. One time of mentioning I don't like this gal's journal would have been plain enough. Point made. But continually trashing her paints a bigger picture. When I look at this picture I see insecurity, I see a jealous woman, I see a very unhappy person, and mainly I see bitch. The saddest part of this whole ordeal is that when she posts these trash entries is her comments go through the roof with the other vultures coming in to rip a chunk off. So I see the reward, you get to be a condescending bitch and cream your jeans because all these lovely women commented "You're so cool!" "You are such a funny bitch!". I bet she just glows with pride.
Okay enough of that. Later.