Kicking Mud Off My Boots

When we bought this house the only thing I was not happy with was the carpet. Its an icy blue color and shows everything that gets tracked in or spilled upon. We're currently going through our Spring thaw with the snow slowly ebbing into patches in the yard. But with that comes the damn mud. The boys will be boys and often in their excitement of coming in from play they forget to kick their boots off at the door. By the time I scream "Boots! Boots!" they're half way across the livingroom. Dean is pretty good about remembering, but it seems Steven will never learn. That kid lives life in fast forward. I often look at the boys and miss the babes they were not so long ago. They both haven't felt good this week as they came down with a cold (that I their loving mother passed on to them) and I actually have had the opportunity to rock them both to sleep this week. It amazed me as they lay sleeping in my arms that Steven at 8 and Dean soon to be 6 that it has truly been so long ago since I did that nightly. As much as I miss those times I do enjoy the changes as they grow older. They are both developing such great sense of humor and I really must start writing down here some of the things that they pop off with. Steven has developed my "smart-assness", but he hasn't quite gotten the gist of when enough is enough. So I'm trying to get him to understand when being a smartass is funny and when it is rude. Damn he does crack me up though.

Steven has been asking for portable CD player for the last few months and I told him he would have to show me some responsiblity by cleaning his bedroom and playroom and keeping it straightened up for a period of time before I would even think of getting him one. He has yet to clean up at all, but keeps hinting about the CD player. So yesterday he tells me if I get him the CD player he'll then clean up the rooms. I was like no deal bucko, clean the rooms, keep them that way and then I'll consider it. He looked at me with this pityful look, shook his head and said "Woman you are obsessed with clean." I couldn't help but laugh.."Woman!" he called me woman! I told him he was just going to have to deal with my obsession if he truly wants that cd player.

Dean will turn 6 on April 6th. I cannot believe my baby will be six! He is still definitely my baby though. He must tell me he loves me a dozen times a day. The last few months he has come to terms that he is no longer a toddler. Dean cherished being a toddler and did not like it when someone would comment that he was getting to be a big boy. He would immediately correct them and say "I am a toddler not a boy!" I don't know if he thought he wouldn't get the same attention from me or what it was but now he takes great joy in his milestones. He is however keeping the bandaid production lines into overtime. Dean's solution to any ouchie is a bandaid. Stub your toe, put on a bandaid. Have a bruise, put on a bandaid. Take off a bandaid, cover the pain of having bandaid removed with...yeah you got it a bandaid. Any given day he has at least 3 bandaids on his body. I'm sure other people probably think we abuse the poor kid. The only positive thing is the bandaids still require mommy's kiss to go along with. That I will gladly give as long as I can. I look at the difference between Steven's & Dean's needs and it saddens me that I'm not as needed when it comes to Steven. Yeah I'm still Mom, but he doesn't need his booboos kissed. I hate when bad things happen to Steven, but those are the only times I get to feel like he needs me. I know thats him just growing up, but damn its hard on this mommy's heart. My biggest fear with both boys is not staying connected with them. I don't ever want either them to feel like they can't come to me with a problem. Lately Steven has had problems with a kid in school picking on him. I first found out about it when Steven came home with this 5 inch scratch on his back. He brushed it off and told me it was an accident & that the kid tripped resulting in this scratch. Through the following weeks I noticed changes in Steven's behavior and finally through several talks he admitted this kid was punching & kicking him. When he was telling me this he was sobbing. It broke my heart that he felt he needed to cover for this kid and not tell me the truth. But I could see where he was coming from, he wanted to be a big boy and handle this on his own. The way I need to see it is that he did finally come to me for help. I can only hope he always will.

I'm dealing with the loss of Sher, well... I don't know. I think because my contact with her has been so infrequent through the years that I keep finding myself forgetting she is gone. Does that make sense? I'll find myself having a good day and when I get a quiet moment this thought pops up "Sherrie's dead." And its like I mentally go "oh yeah she is." Its like I remind myself. I don't know how to explain it. I know time will help. My birthday is coming up on Tuesday and even though Sherrie hasn't acknowledged my birthday for...shit..I can't even remember the last time, I guess when we lived together probably, the thought will pop in my head "I wonder if Sher will send me a card or call". What the heck is my mind up to? I feel like some mean old bitch that keeps bringing up a bad subject to somebody just to make them feel bad. Do I have guilt? Maybe so.

Anyways I am looking so forward to feeling normal. With all the losses and the concern for my cousin and then to top off with a nasty sinus infection I just want to wake up and feel good. Hell I'd take fairly descent. I have so many things I want to get done but I can so easily talk myself out of doing them. Every morning going to work I talk to myself and give myself goals for the day of things to accomplish. I feel like if I don't I wouldn't get anything done. Can we say depression?

I need to post some pics of the boys as I haven't done so for quite some time. So I'll do so in the next few days. In the mean time.....take care.